A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
who wore it better?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10