Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
never compromise your values
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?