“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*