Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.