“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.