The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless