Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
That took me a moment.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.