[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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