The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
broke down and did it
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed