Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
You Might Also Like
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME