FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Who knew!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.