I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?