Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Your honor these allegations are
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE