Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
You Might Also Like
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
what day is it?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Well, that should do it
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd