Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I hate when that happens.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude