If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it