i will avenge u mr van gogh
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.