Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
#SuperBowl
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth