“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
“our sushi is very fresh”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.