You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min