Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
new wife guy just dropped
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.