I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.