Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My flabber has been gasted.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”