Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.