“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
You Might Also Like
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha