{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
buying dead houseplants to save time
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!