joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
i wish i could marry a nap
See..?
.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.