DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”