You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.