I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*jazz hands*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables