everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]