Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.