‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
the composer
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that