H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
White parent Vs Arab parents
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
💯😂
fly smarter, not harder
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.