People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”