Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀