According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
sigh
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one