Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.