Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go