son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”