Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.