Bringing home a sharpie
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
become ungovernable
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Only Americans understand
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.