8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
You Might Also Like
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I’d rather fork than spoon.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.