Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
awesome draft from months ago i just found
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it