I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
You Might Also Like
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Planet of the Apps.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.