5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Love is in the air fryer.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
こいつ天才
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.