[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*