My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
men, we mow at sunrise.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.