If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I unironically love this joke.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!