[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
rise and shine we got egg
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Awwwww shit.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My teenage children choosing violence
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.